Barneyism of the Week - The Bard

I'm writing my vows to Robin.
But I want them to be profound and inspiring,
as if they were written by the bard himself...

Lionel Richie.

- Barney Stinson

“The End of the Aisle”

How I Met Your Mother

This is it, the day The Blot’s been dreading for a very long time. Tonight CBS will be airing the series finale of How I Met Your Mother. How did HIMYM’s 9th season end so quickly!?! Doesn't it feel like the season just started a few weeks ago?

There are only a handful of shows that have consistently played a big role in my life over an extended period of time. I’ve chronicled two of those shows weekly here on TheBlotSays.com since the blog’s inception almost 7 years ago, How I Met Your Mother and LOST, and now both are over. What’s funny is those two shows couldn’t be more polar opposites except for one thing, they’re both populated with such rich and amazing characters. They're both...legendary!

Barneyism of the Week - Accidental Curly

“What? Did he take one of your fries?” - Lily

Take one? Take one?
Lily, it would have been one thing if he took one of my fries.
That would have been one thing.

No, Lily, that day Blauman took 4 of my fries!
But that's not even the capper!
Here's the part that still keeps me up at night:
the 4th fry he took…the 4th fry he took…

The 4th fry he took…was an accidental curly!

“You don't take a man's accidental curly.” - Ted

“You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly.” - Marshall

“If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place?” - Lily

“Cause that's what you want, all curly fries?” - Ted

“Regular cut with a few accidental curlies - that's what you want.” - Marshall

That's the dream.

“He's right. That is the dream.” - Ted

No! I refuse to look down from the altar
as I say my vowels to the woman of my dreams,
and see that damned, stupid, accidental curly fry stealing Gary Blauman!

- Barney Stinson

“Gary Blauman”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Classic Mistake

“Marshall, you don't sound too excited to become a judge.” - Ted

“I feel kind of guilty about it.
I mean, I know how badly
Lily wanted to move to Italy.” - Marshall

Don't do this, bro.

Classic mistake.

You won, enjoy it.

Drink the blood of your vanquished enemy and move on.

“You're gonna be a great husband.” - Ranjit

- Barney Stinson

“Daisy”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Susan Tupp

“That room belongs to a Ms. Susan Tupp.” - Curtis

“Oh boy.” - Ted

God, you're gorgeous.
Oh, I can't wait to be inside you.

“Barney, get out here.
This is your wedding day.” - Ted

“Where is she?” - Ted

Who?

“Look, I just grossly overpaid for some information
about this room, so I know it's accurate.
This room belongs to Susan Tupp.” - Ted

Who?

“Susan Tupp.” - Ted

Who?

“Sue…Tupp.” - Ted

“Suit up.” - Ted

I'm trying to.

I need you to help me pick the suit
I'm gonna wear when I walk down the aisle.

“Okay, Robin walks down the aisle.
You wait at the end of it.” - Ted

Okay, then the suit I'll be wearing
when they all stand as I enter the chapel.

“That's also her.” -Ted

Really?
Man, the fellas sure do get boned
on the whole wedding thing, don't they?

- Barney Stinson

“Vesuvius"

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir

Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir!
The most effective post-bender,
head's-too-tender ender from here to Denver.

“What's in it?” - Ted

Glad you asked. Columbia University, 1941…

President Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
whom we all know is most famous for being a world-class drunk,
commissioned a top-secret scientific project:
develop an elixir to cure the common hangover.

And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy, old FDR
pick to head up this historic task?

“Look, my head really hurts.
Let's just speed this along.
You're clearly ripping off the story of the Manhattan Project,
which was run by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.
So, I'm gonna guess it was your distant relative,
Barnert Stinsonheimer?” - Ted

Somebody's read their history books.

The “Too Many Manhattans Project” hit a few snags at first.
The first batch exploded.
Which sounded kind of like this:
Boom!

But the second batch…sadly also exploded.
Boom!

After some trial and error,
Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found the magic formula.

The elixir was such a success, he was awarded the Bro-bel Prize.
True story.

- Barney Stinson

“Rally”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - The Game

Boys, today is your lucky day.
Because today I'm gonna teach you how to…
(vomits) live.

“I'm sorry, how exactly are you
gonna teach us how to live?” - Random Guy #1

The journey to awesome starts with a single…
Actually, lots of singles.
We're going to a strip club.

“Strip club? We're in the middle of nowhere.” - Random Guy #2

There is always a strip club.

Question: Why does this sign say "gentlemen's club"?
Answer: Because The Crab Shed is a place for gentlemen.

A gentleman tips generously.
A gentleman uses the complimentary bathroom cologne,
but not too much.

Oh, this is important.
Your instinct may be to avoid the free buffet.
Your instinct is wrong.
Don't sleep on the meatballs, gentlemen.
They are exquisite! Come on!

A few final thoughts.
Don't get married until you're 30.
Play laser tag once a week.
Give at least as many high fives as you get.
Teacup pigs are lady magnets,
but very hard to care for.
Not worth the effort.
The same goes for dogs and babies.
And most importantly, whatever you do in this life,
it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.

Good luck, boys.
Take care of the game for me.

- Barney Stinson

“Sunrise”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Have You Met Ted?

“You're my best friend, Barney.” - Ted

Good.

Then, as your best friend I suggest
we play a game I like to call
“Have You Met Ted?”

- Barney Stinson

“How Your Mother Met Me”

How I Met Your Mother

Sorry this Barney-ism of the Week is so weak, but Barney only has these 2 measly lines in the entire episode! This "Mother"-centric episode provides some very interesting LOST-inspired backstory on Ted's future wife, but doesn't give much in the way of Barney humor. Oh well! Only two more episodes until the big HIMYM finale. Are you suited up and ready!?!

Barneyism of the Week - Your Face

You guys can't still see where Marshall slapped me, can you?

“Your face looks like a don't walk signal.” - Ted

“Your face looks like a photo negative
of the Hamburger Helper box.” - Robin

“A palm reader could tell Marshall's future by studying your face.” - Ted

The phrase ‘talk to the hand cause the face ain't listening’
doesn't work for you because the hand is on your face.” - Robin

A simple yes would've sufficed.

- Barney Stinson

“Unpause”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - That Suit

That suit is a stain.
A stain on the very institution of suits.

You know what tie goes with that suit?
The tie at the top of a Hefty bag.

A suit like that only needs one button,
self-destruct.

“Hey, I bought him that suit.” - Lily

Where?
Barfs Brothers?
Men's Outhouse?
Giorgio Arms Are-Not-the-Same-Lengthy?

That suit is a slap in the face to all suits everywhere.

- Barney Stinson

“Slapsgiving 3:
Slappointment in Slapmarra”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - The Dream

Going to jail for your best friend?
That's the dream.

“Really? That's the dream?” - Ted

Yeah, it's the most noble, nay, bro-ble thing
a bro can do for a fellow bro.
So yes, Ted, that's the dream.

“You're too liberal with the phrase ‘That's the dream’.” - Ted

Name one other time I've said that!

“A suit made of prosciutto so you can eat your way naked.
That's the dream.

A pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus.
That's the dream.

Being able to take a whole year's worth of dumps in one, nonstop 24 hour period
then not having to dump again for the rest of the year.
That's the dream.” - Ted

I never said Dump Day was the dream.
I said science is this close to a pill.

- Barney Stinson

“Bass Player Wanted”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Laser Tag Rehearsal Dinner!

I had THE most awesome idea ever…
laser tag rehearsal dinner!

“That might be the worst idea you've ever had,
which is saying a lot.” - Ted

Name one bad idea I've ever had.

“Gluten-free edible panties.” - Lily

“Hot dog on a stick on a bun.” - Marshall

“Inflatable sex toy life raft.” - Ted

“The breast augmentation channel.” - Lily

“Single malt Scotch tape.” - Robin

“The time you ran for mayor.” - Marshall

I still have 12,000 buttons that say
“The only poll I care about is in my pants.”

- Barney Stinson

“The Rehearsal Dinner”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Player King of New York City

The Tale of Barney Stinson:
Player King of New York City

“Once upon a time,
we all went out to get our drink on.
When who should walk in,
but a girl with sweater tight and pink on.
She ordered up a beer.
I think you see where this is going.
As Barney put it, oh so eloquently:” - Marshall

Boy-oy-oy-oing.

“He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue,
when Mommy interrupted:” - Marshall

“Dude, she's way out of your league.
She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee.
And I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key.

She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos.
She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze.

Her makeup isn't running, she's not playing with her hair.
There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.” - Lily

Your challenge is accepted, Lil.
There is no girl too pretty.

For I am Barney Stinson,
Player King of New York City.

“You can't anoint yourself the king,
just like that jerk LeBron.” - Ted

He left the Cavs three years ago.
Bro, give it up, move on.

- Barney Stinson

“Bedtime Stories”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Wayne Gretzky

Hey, quick favor.

I want to give this to Robin.
(Holds up an autographed headshot of Wayne Gretzky)

Gretzky's her hero.

She says his name sometimes in bed.

I've accepted it.

Can you, uh, hide it for me till the rehearsal dinner?

“The best man is on it.” - Ted

- Barney Stinson

“Mom and Dad”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Trash Bags

Alright, next challenge!

“Okay, um, pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.” - Lily

I'd be “Glad” to.
Just hope she's not too “Hefty”.

And those are all of the brands of trash bags I can think of.

“I'm not done.
You also can't use the letter “E”.” - Lily

Challng accptd-d.

- Barney Stinson

“Platonish”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Awkward Five!

Please mom, I need you to just be cool.
Okay, can you do that for me?

“For you, yes.” - Loretta Stinson

And for Robin?
She's gonna be your daughter in 33 hours.

“Daughter in law.” - Loretta Stinson

Making it illegal for you not to treat her like a daughter.
In-lawyered!

Please, mom?
All Robin wants to do is put this whole thing behind her,
so she can get married and put this whole thing behind her.

Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly-
so-we-can-move-past-how-awkward-it-was-
that-I-just-said-that five!

“Fine.” - Loretta Stinson

- Barney Stinson

“The Lighthouse”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - No Questions Asked

“Hey, I got here as fast as I could.
Are you okay?” - Marshall

Yeah, fine.
These quacks said I was unfit to leave on my own.
Blah, blah, blah…danger to myself…Blah, blah, blah.
Whoever signs me out is legally responsible for my actions.

I just need you to sign me out.

“What the hell happened?” - Marshall

Uh-uh! I said no questions asked.

“Star, clover, horseshoe.
Barney, did you swallow real versions
of all the Lucky Charms items?” - Marshall

No questions asked.
Now come on, let's hit the bar.
I'm buying.
I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare.

- Barney Stinson

“No Questions Asked”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Self Five!

“Look at this,
your wedding weekend.” - Ted

I know.
This close to finally having sex again.
It's been forever.

“Oh, you and Robin been abstaining?” - Ted

Talking about you, Ted.

Now here's the deal:
every hookup at a weekend wedding
is decided at Friday night drinks.
Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight,
the only action you'll be getting all weekend is a Self Five,
and I don't mean the cool kind.

HaHaHa
Self Five!
That's the cool kind.

- Barney Stinson

“Knight Vision”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Big Dilemma

Guys, big dilemma.

My mom's insisting that I get Robin to give James his ring back,
but Robin's refusing.
But James seems like he's really upset.
But Robin's gonna be my wife.
But James is my brother.
But Robin lets me do sex to her.
But I have to spend eternity in my mom's mausoleum.

I just wish there was a way I didn't have to take sides!
What should I do!?!

“Choose your wife.
You always choose your wife. Easy.
Got any other stumpers,
like how to answer ‘Does this make me look fat?’” - Lily

Well, maybe a little around the hips,
but no more than usual.

“You're getting married,
so I will deal with that one after your honeymoon.” - Lily

- Barney Stinson

“The Poker Game”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - The History of The Bro Code

“Who cares about The Bro Code?
It's just some stupid book you made up.” - Ted

How dare you!?!
The Bro Code has been around for centuries.
Nay, whatever's more than centuries.

“Please don't launch into a fake history lesson.” - Ted

The Bro Code can trace its lineage all the way back to Broses himself.

Article 1: Bros Before Hoes.

“Okay, I see what you're doing.
You can't prove that I broke the Bro Code,
so you're just making up stories about…” - Ted

This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World
in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus.

Article 62: A Bro Who Calls Dibs First Has Dibs.
Oh? Dibs!

And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.

“Pocahontas was with John Smith.” - Ted

Maybe according to the hotel register.
Whatever Mrs. Brolumbus didn't know couldn't hurt her, am I right?
Well, except maybe that New World syphilis. But I digress…

- Barney Stinson

“The Broken Code”

How I Met Your Mother

Barneyism of the Week - Ring Bear-er

“So, the hairdresser shows up at 2 on Sunday.” - Robin

Great! And while you do that I’ll check in on the ring bear.

“I’m sorry.
You’re saying ring bear-er, right?” - Robin

Ring bear.

“Ok, look into my eyes and say
I promise that I’m not bringing a dangerous
wild animal to our wedding.” - Robin

Hahahahaha

I…

- Barney Stinson

"Last Time In New York"

How I Met Your Mother